my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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