Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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