Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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