Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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