I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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