the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
