I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
