there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The uberlube is also flammable
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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