My sheets look like a crime scene.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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