My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
