I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
