Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
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