OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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