So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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