Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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