In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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