last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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