i need an iv and a liver transplant
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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