a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
