my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
