Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
