Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
