Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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