i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had sex on a roof
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
