remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
