Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
