Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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