so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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