what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
