Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
