just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
