we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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