So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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