he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
