Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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