found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I touched a dick in church today
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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