my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
