I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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