I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
