Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
