thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
