i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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