Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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