just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
