3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
