did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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