i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
