Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
