I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
