My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
