just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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