Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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