whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
