Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
