I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
