Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
