My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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