I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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