grandma shit on top of the toilet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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